; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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