Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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