"it" just moved
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
