I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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