Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
