peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
