You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
