I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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