Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
