He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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