Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
