I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
