Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
