I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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