fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The air was thick with penises
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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