How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
