Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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