If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
