This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize