When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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