Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Two words: blizzard sex
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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