By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Drunk is a universal language darling
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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