He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
