i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
