So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
