My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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