Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
