she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize