Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
