Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize