Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
