Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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