News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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