she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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