her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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