my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
