Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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