Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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