Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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