can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
