if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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