Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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