The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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