did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
