I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize