Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she pinky promised me she was 18
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
