Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Send help, water and tortillas.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
