Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I woke up under a house in Key West
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
