theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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