fuck your aforementioned shoe
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
