my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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