Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
