Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
